I was at the doctors the other day and she said to me and my mother how much I had grown over this past year and how she could see it in everything I did and how articulate I had become.

I have to say I was quite proud and my eyes must have lit up like the moon..lol
But it got me thinking, thinking about a lot of things…not that I have not been doing a lot of thinking these last few years and all the changes I’ve been going through, But I began to think of things I’d like to think of as more “clearly”

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the store the other day and my first thought was omg I am so fat.
I don’t think the thought of my actual weight had actually dawned on me.
It was like this last year I was living somewhere else in my head.
But when I seen myself in that mirror it was like a slap in the face and suddenly I became very scared.
Scared that people were also thinking that same thing, and thinking I was this lazy ass pig who was just eating her life away.

Then I started thinking, I am fat…really fat! and I don’t eat the way I should and I do enjoy junk more often then I care to admit.
Don’t get me wrong I am eating better now then I have since I was a child and I am also trying so many new foods it’s actually been a lot of fun and I have found I like more then just chips and chocolate
I’ve also been pigging out on strawberries, man they’ve been so good these past few days I just can’t seem to put them down.

So I’ve decided I am going to start a real life journal .. in it I will document what I eat, how often I eat, the mood I am in and the pain I am in on a scale of 1 to 10.
I am hoping that through this journal I will get a better idea of what seems to trigger my bad eating habits and how often I am eating bad food.

But I think my first step was really seeing it and I really caught a glimpse of a person I did not want to be in that mirror that day.

Hopefully over this next year it will change and I will become comfortable in my own skin again, because at this moment I am not.