I’ve had a slight hiccup on my road to weight lost surgery, Many know I was being seen to have it done before finding out I was pregnant….My son Nicholas was well worth the wait!
So now I am re doing the whole process again an have hit a minor snag recently.

Last year before I became pregnant I noticed I was having jumbled speech or sometimes slurring words and even forgetting all together what I was saying and pausing in mid sentence to try and re think what the hell I was talking about.
I thought nothing of this as I know with Fibromyalgia comes what is called “Fibro Fog” it can cause memory loss, confusion, disorientation and what I thought speech problems.

While I was pregnant it began to get worse … but of course I chocked it up to not being on my medication and my fibro fog getting the better of me.
I never told the doctor because I myself never thought it was anything serious, I would even poke fun of myself saying stuff like “I don’t talk much I just read about it”.

A couple months ago I asked my in home care nurse what she thought of it and she said I should tell my doctor right away…..I didn’t.
Not until last week, right away she ordered blood tests and a few exams to test my heart. She also asked to see me again this week.

I’ve just seen the doctor a couple hours ago and what she had to tell me was un settling to say the least.
My blood work came back and it showed I still had high cholesterol which really was not news to me because it was like that before I had Nicholas.
She believes that my cholesterol is breaking off and clogging those arteries causing the speech problem.
Her exact words were “It’s very possible your having mini strokes during these episodes of speech impairment”
My mouth hit the bleepin floor, I held back the tears…..could she really be saying that me at 34 years old is having tiny little strokes? NO FRIGGIN WAY! … sadly yes this is the case.
She then tested my blood pressure and sure enough it was spiked too….she asked me to wait a couple minutes and tested again, it finally came down.
More and more tests are needed to find out just what is triggering these speech problems.

I won’t lie, I’ve cried from the time I got back into the car til the moment I got home and told my mother.
I am scared out of my mind and trying with everything in me to stay calm so I don’t drive myself insane.

I’ll now have a daily dose of baby aspirin to help prevent any mini strokes while they try and sort all this good stuff out.

So yep my surgery may again be delayed as I figure all this stuff out.

I will tell you this one thing, If I ever have something funky going on with me again I won’t wait over a year to talk to her about it!
I guess I now have so much to live for that I won’t risk my health any longer.

On a positive note, if it is simply a case of blood pressure or cholesterol surgery will actually HELP it!
So a few more reasons why this surgery is going to be a benefit to me and my health.

So there ya have it, I’ll keep anyone who wants to know updated

Take Care

People say “but Tami you can’t judge people, you don’t know what they are going through” and to that I say “Oh YES I do!” because about a decade ago I cared way more about what people thought then what I thought and did whatever I had to in order to fit in. Including pretending to be something I was not.
So Yes, Yes I can judge because I was in that position before and I learned a long time ago that it was what I thought that mattered not what others thought about me.
And almost every single person I am thinking of as I write this post is an adult and should know better!

I don’t understand why people do it either because eventually someone will out you and call you on your BS.
I’ve been told people who insecure are the ones who do it, I can see that but at the same time how is anyone really suppose to like you if your living a lie?
If someone does not like you for you then they are not worth knowing.

Don’t act like someone your not.
Don’t say things you don’t mean.
Don’t blame others for your misfortunes.
Don’t spend money if you don’t have it.
Don’t act like you have money when you don’t.
Don’t say your going to do something then don’t.
Don’t make others feel guilty for your stupidity.
Don’t join a click just to “fit” in.
Don’t berate people when you know you don’t like it done to you.
Act your age, not your shoes size.
Don’t treat people like shit to make yourself feel better.
Don’t be a hypocrite.
If you need help, ASK and GET it.
Bashing other people does NOT make you look cool.
Don’t try and impress others with lies.
Don’t dump your crap on people expecting them to fix you.

Be who you were born to be and be proud of that person if your not NOTHING in life will ever satisfy you EVER.
You’ll always feel the need to impress other people and not yourself and let me tell you those people you will try to impress will find a new and better you faster then you can say impress.
They are not friends if all they care about is material things and how well you can slam someone.

You have to ask yourself “AM I REALLY HAPPY?” .. “DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?” if you respond with no then it’s time for you to do something else in life.
I’m not saying I still don’t struggle with those 2 questions because I do….BUT the difference between me and most other people is that I CHOOSE to get the help I need to achieve the goals I need to.
I find mostly that when I say NO to the above questions it’s because someone else has hurt me, But I have the choice to either allow it to effect me or move forward…easier said then done but I do it because I know it’s whats best for me both emotionally and physically.
People may shove me down but I have to make the choice to either get back up or stay down and I choose to not bullshit myself or anyone else.

I am who I am, You either take it or leave it!
If you don’t like me I don’t give a damn, That’s your issue not mine.
Don’t like my cloths? My hair? My body? My Make up? My music?, My family and friends? well to bad that’s your loss not mine.
My life will be better off without someone like you, I refuse to pretend any longer.
I will be who I am and be PROUD of myself!

Wanna know why? Cause I am awesome!

To my dismay this evening I was over at Perez Hilton’s site and found this tragic story of a 14 year old boy who committed suicide because he was being bullied so badly because of his sexuality.
http://perezhilton.com/2011-09-20-14-year-old-it-gets-better-filmmaker-commits-suicide-after-incessant-anti-gay-bullying

It brought me to tears, not only for this boy and his family but because yet again I realize just how cruel the human race can be.
I know what it feels like to be bullied and I’d even found myself not wanting to live thinking life would be better if I’d just die.
I can’t imagine what this poor boy went through to make him so sad that he thought death was his only option.

Shame on society for FAILING not only Jamey but thousands of children all over the world who are bullied on a daily basis.
Shame on parents who teach their children to hate, Shame on parents who are bullies and make their children into bullies.
Shame on the teachers and principles at schools for not taking more action to prevent these children from being tormented day after day.
Shame on the legal system for not stepping up and making harsher punishments for those who continue to be cruel.
Shame on social workers and guidance counselors for not listening more closely to these children and getting to the root of the issues.
Shame on doctors for not caring enough to HELP these kids.
Shame on the other children, parents and neighbors to sit around and WATCH as another child is humiliated and tormented by another person and do nothing.

To many use the excuse “It’s not my problem” but it IS your problem it’s EVERYONE’S problem!
Children should NOT be taking their own lives! plain and simple.
And we as adults should be doing everything in our power to make sure our children are safe and happy and healthy.

We need to teach our children tolerance and love, not hate and ignorance.
Every person has the RIGHT to live their life how THEY choose and they should not be tormented for it.

To the LGBT community I say not all straight people are assholes, There are those of us who love and accept who you are and will not judge you only embrace to as a friend.
We’re out here all you have to do is come find us.

If your a child who is being bullied please please please don’t take that permanent road you have way to much to offer this world.
There is a reason for you to be here, You may not know what it is just yet but trust me you were put here for a reason and with a purpose.
Find it in you to get help, MAKE someone listen. Don’t stop til eyes are open.
Hold your head high because whatever it is that makes you “different” makes you “Special” and “Unique”
Know that not all people are filled with hate and if you work it out you’ll find MORE people love you then you probably realize.

I will teach my son love and tolerance and it’s something I wish for everyone.
One day there will be an end to bullying and I hope the day comes sooner rather then later because as we can see through so many deaths lives depend on it!
But this can only happen if we stand together in a united front and say “NO MORE!”
This is a prayer I will continue to say and one day the lord will answer.

No words can actually describe how much a having a child can effect your life.
The emotions are truly unbelievable, I think I’ve gone from happy to sad to happy to ecstatic to worried all within a matter of minutes…lol
But when I look at his little tiny face and his adorable chubby cheeks I realize just how much it was all worth it!

His entrance into this world was not an ideal one sadly and things that could go wrong have
After 17 hours of labor .. having an epidural and STILL feeling horrible pain, Not dilating and his heart rate dropping each time I contracted the decision was made to deliver him via c-section.
I only got a glance at him after his birth as they rush them out to warm them up and bundle them, But that’s all it takes really…that one glance at a life you created and you are forever in love.

I was in the hospital for 4 days and I have to say all my nurses were amazing! they took such good care of me and helped me anytime I rang that darn buzzer..lol

I was jacked up on pain meds too, and didn’t realize at that moment that the pain would be getting even worse after I left the hospital.
6 days after his birth I was in the ER. 6 Hours later they told me I’d had an abscess form under my c-section incision and it would need to be cut open and drained.
I then learned I would have to have an in home nurse come daily to re pack and dress the wound.

They’ve told me the wound is quite deep and it will take til July to actually heal over.
This for me is devastating as I want to be with my baby, play with him, take him out and show him off but the pain I am feeling and my inability to walk for more then 15mins. is really making things hard.
I’m trying to sit and relax and heal but if you’ve ever been a mom you know babies don’t always make that possible..lol
He’s up every 2-3 hours for feedings and it’s making sleep seem like a distant memory.

My mom is my hero .. she really is a superhero! She comes to my rescue each and everyday to help me with him.
She’s true to mom nature and can pick up on when I need some extra sleep or just need a break and will take him and let me go relax.
I don’t think I could have gotten through these past few weeks with out her and I know there are going to be a few more weeks to come where she will again jump up and be super grandma and come to my rescue yet again. (luv u mom!)

My stepdad still won’t hold him…lol he’s afraid to break him.
Great grandma and great aunt Carol came this weekend to see him and later today he will see his other great grandma too!

My son is a lucky little man, He has so many people who love him to death and as a child who grew up feeling like I didn’t have many who loved him I am happy to see just how loved he is.

My friends who are also my other family have been friggin amazing and Nicholas has some great aunties in all of them!

2 weeks down, a lifetime to go! And I can’t wait to enjoy each and every moment with my perfect little man!

About 2-3 weeks from now my first HUGE journey of being a new mom will begin.
I’ve waited a long time for this little miracle/bundle of joy and it’s almost time for him to grace us all with his presence.
I’m scared and excited all at the same time and look forward to taking this mom journey.
I’ve got a wonderful support team to help me through what might be for me difficult times.
Their faith in my and my ability to be a good mom has made me stronger and I hope I can be the person for my son that they see me as.

My 2nd journey begins again for the 2nd time this June.
I’ve struggled my whole life with weight and last year I began the steps to a new life by deciding that weight loss surgery was right for me.
I was half way through my process/journey when I found out I was going to be a mom.
So we put that on hold but now the time has come to re start that journey and begin another chapter of my life.
I feel now more then ever this surgery is important.
I want to be healthy and live a long life for not only myself but for my child.

Coming to the decision for weight loss surgery was not an easy one, people seem to think I just thought of it over night that I just woke up one day and said to myself “OH Weight Loss Surgery! Thats how I’ll do it!!!”
Thats not the case at all, it took me many years to come to this decision, Many days and nights trying other forms of weight loss with out success for me to finally come to the conclusion that unlike some I needed some extra help.
That is when I began looking into having the surgery and I am glad I did.

So as you can tell this is in fact a very very exciting time for me and my life and I welcome you all to come share in my new joys as they happen.

Blessings to all

Me a mom? really? WOW!

This pregnancy has not been easy, and having fibromyalgia on top has added it own set of troubles BUT I think I’ve actually managed to stay pretty calm and positive through out the whole pregnancy.
People kept reminding me that in the end it will be all worth it, I agree but it still don’t make the pain my body’s been going through any better..lol

I feel so unprepared, Like I don’t have what I need or that I can’t get what I need.
I just read this check list of the 19 things you “NEED” before the baby arrives and I have like 6 of 19.
That suddenly freaked me right out and I probably became more panicked  then I should have.
It’s that overwhelming feeling that your gonna screw it up that I keep getting.
I am always being reassured that I am going to be a great mom but still I have that scared feeling in me that I might disappoint my son. That I won’t be everything he needs.

I feel him moving all the time now, It’s not painful really just uncomfortable when he presses out.
I can actually see my belly moving now too which is pretty weird and neat all rolled into one..lol
Gotta love these new found stretch marks I’ve been getting…NOT but sadly not a whole heck of a lot that I can do about any of it, Just roll with it I guess.

Been super tired though and it feels like I can’t get enough sleep, and the whole getting up hourly to pee is really starting to get to me..lol

I’ve still got much to do and have felt so lazy that I’ve not gotten it done.
Need to set up the crib, get the room ready, get the dresser set, the playpen up and more more more…..
Hopefully this coming weekend we will have gotten a good chunk of it done so that it can ease my mind yet a little more.

My baby shower is on the 26th and I can’t wait, I am going to get to see some friends I’ve not seen in years and it’s so exciting for me!
A lot of my friends have been so amazing throughout this time and I am not sure I would have handled it all as well as I have been if it had not been for them.
There are a lot of people who thought this baby should have never happened for one reason or another and when you hear stuff like that it really drags you down, SO thankfully I have an awesome set of people around me now that are equally as excited as I am.

6 weeks to go…..wow!

Hey all you dudes out there, Want a sure fire way to KILL your relationship?
Want to know one thing that will piss off every women out there?

Talking about other women!

This is a real buzz kill for 98% of women out there because really we don’t give a rats ass about how great you think you are and how ALL these women want you.
The fact is if these women were SO important they’d not be a part of your PAST.

I decided to ask some of my male friends what they thought of this behavior and see just what a guy’s response would be, To my surprise the guys were actually in agreement with me. *shock*

Some say it’s a guys insecurity that makes him do it.
Some said that guys who do that need to “Get Over Themselves”
A couple even told me to let tell women to let the “other” women have those men back.

So listen men/boys of the world, Talking about your ex girlfriends or how many women asked you out or what songs women dedicated to you are NOT ways to keep your current women/girl interested in you.
If anything your driving her away little by little and in the end the failed relationship will be your own bloody fault.
And face it, if you were in her shoes you’d not want to be hearing about how her other boyfriends were better then you or how they did this and did that…it would end up getting on your nerves as well.

So thinking your the best thing since sliced cheese is maybe something you should keep to yourself.
Women do not like guys who are full of it.
So ruffle your feathers all you want, you might up being the only bird checking yourself out in the end.

Sadly with this precious joy I’ve become overwhelmingly saddened.
I’ve not gotten over the morning sickness yet and truly have begun to hate it when people ask me about it…like there is no polite way to say “yeah still barfing my fuckin guts out!”
I think whats worse is everyone seems to think something is abnormal about me because it never happened to them so I must have something weird going on with me….and to be honest I do and I am pretty sure my health problems and emotional strain play a big part of why I can’t seem to get rid of this puking all the time.

Normal/Healthy people have more “healthy” pregnancies I am not as normal or as healthy as I would like.
Dealing with the physical pain of Fibromyalgia and the emotional stress of PTSD has become one of my biggest challenges.
With the help of medication I was able to keep it pretty much under control….As many know pills + pregnancy = bad.
So I was taken off all by 1 of my drugs and was no even offered something to help with it.

I did what I had to do to keep my baby and keep it safe and healthy, But in doing so I think I am doing the polar opposite!
I am not sleeping right at all, I have a couple days of good sleep then go a week with poor sleep, I am only eating once a day and when I do manage to eat more often it serves me no good as I bring it all back up.

In the first few months of my pregnancy I lost just over 6 pounds, which isn’t totally uncommon.
And now at 19 weeks I have just gained that 6 pounds back.
Don’t get me wrong I am fat so if I don’t get any fatter I will not complain…lol BUT if I am not gaining a good amount of weight it means my baby is not getting what it needs from me and this causes me even more worry.

I’ve not worried or cried this much in a very long time, I am suppose to be this happy glowing  person but it feels like my emotional and physical problems always seem to smack the happiness right out of me.

I just wish there was more the doctors could do for me to help me regain the control I once had so I don’t feel so lost.
I feel so alone these days, No one understands what I am going through because they’ve not had the same issues I have.
And most of the time I just don’t know how to tell people how I am feeling and when I do find words they are never the right ones and I come off as a bitch and yes I’ve been VERY bitchy lately.

It’s all so scary that I am afraid it’s going to get worse and I am not sure if I can handle worse