YES I have limitations, YES I am on disability and live off government money and YES they give me money to support my child but even THEY never said “Oh sorry Tami your disabled so don’t bother to get pregnant or your on your own!”
My worker was actually happy for me!

It pisses me off that people have the nerve to think they know everything and how everything should work.
Just because I have limits does not mean I can not be a perfectly functioning mother.

In fact I am PERFECTLY capable of doing this and I prove that everyday!
I am 100% committed to giving my son the best life ever, even though I am on disability!
He will never want for anything, and will never be spoiled.
Sure there will be things he will WANT and that I can not afford but I will make sure that he has everything he needs.

I am pretty much doing this on my own.
I’ve got great parents and awesome friends, People who back me up when I need a helping hand.
The only extra support I get is from the government and I am grateful for what they do give me to help support him.
And for a person to judge me for that makes me angry.
You don’t know me, You don’t know what I can and can’t do so shut up!

I had just as much right to be a mother as anyone else, limitations or not.

When I found out I was pregnant I spent those months saving money and buying everything I could with the little extra cash I had so that when he came I would be ready and not need to worry about how I would get through.
I really honestly thought it would be hard but it’s actually not as hard or scary as I thought.
I rely on NO ONE for money or support 95% of the stuff my son has I bought with my own money.
Yep I’ve borrowed money to get some stuff but I’ve ALWAYS paid it back in full.
I don’t need anyone because I know now I can do this all on my own.

So don’t tell me I CAN’T because each time someone says that I prove them wrong.

I am not saying I am an exception to the rule as there are days for sure where I just want to sit and wallow in my own self pitty…but people who do it on a regular basis are really REALLY starting to make me reconsider drinking again…lol

And more and more I notice people do not take blame for their own misery, they are very happy with accusing everyone else of being the problem rather then factoring in that THEY have control over their own lives and make all the decisions and if they really don’t want to be a certain way they DON”T have to be.

When I was younger I went out of my way to blame everyone else, I mean after all I was a VICTIM!
How could I take the blame for my life gone wrong when I was the one who was abused, I was the victim, it was all their fault……And you know for awhile it very well may have been but as I got older and started acting like an adult and wanting more people to take me serious I realized one very important thing….I HAD CONTROL! I could stay in that worthless pity party place of self loathing  or I could make changes to my life to become better.

Getting there was not easy, but one of the main things I had to learn to do is accept responsibility for MY life, MY actions, MY thoughts and feelings, MY words.
I had to stop blaming my past for the choices I was making today, I had to stop blaming people for how I treated others.
The abuse I suffered as a child did not make me a bitch, I DID! I made a choice to be a bitch and be rude to people what happened to me as a child had nothing to do with that.

What I went through as a child, made me hard and emotional or somewhat emotionless in some aspects it made me fear living, made me jealous of people, I hated my life, I hated my body, I hated living and for years and years I was consumed by those emotions, RULED by them.
Then one day I WOKE UP … I wanted more for myself gosh darn it! there was more to LIFE then being an asshole.
But it was not my mom’s job to fix me, Not my friends jobs to fix me, not my families job to fix me it was MY OWN JOB!

The one thing I hear over and over are statements like these  “Oh they never helped me, they never supported me, they abandoned me, they didn’t do this, they didn’t do that .. blah blah blah”
Who the hell are THEY?? and why do THEY have so much control over YOUR flippin life??
When you feel like you have no one it may very well be true. It however does not give you license to treat others poorly.
Sadly if you are someone who has no one, take some time out to learn to love you, even just like yourself and making new and better friends will be so much easier and so much more lasting.
People don’t understand that if you can’t like yourself .. NO one else will ever like you.
They may be friends at first but it will almost ALWAYS end bad. Want to know why?
Because people can only take on so much from another person before it drives them away.
If your the always “Its all about me” person then your forgetting about other people and their feelings and they will eventually just become bothered by you and think of you more as a burden or a bitchy complainer rather then a friend. Heck they may even turn on you and really it’s NOT their fault, chances are your drove them away yourself with out even realizing it.

So my advice to people who enjoy being miserable is simple.
There is more to life then just you, other people have just as many burdens to bare. Some just cope better then others but it does not mean we don’t want to be heard too, it does not mean we don’t care when we just don’t want to listen to you anymore it’s just we’ve had enough and until you can accept responsibility for your own life/actions/thoughts/feelings/emotions/attitude we don’t want to be around you.
Don’t ask for advice if it’s just going to fall on deaf ears or your just going to ignore it and throw it back in our faces.
If you say something DO IT don’t just talk about it.
And lastly remember the choice is and always has been yours, So if your life is really that crappy get out there and do something about it.
Where there is a will there is a way.

But no matter how exciting it is I still can’t seem to shake these blues.
No matter how much I try and shake it off and tell myself everything is going to be just dandy it keeps creeping up and me and frankly I am tired of it

As many know I am a survivor, I’ve endured a lot through out my life but managed to take my life back and regain a sense of control and happiness.
I’ve worked very hard to re find myself and no longer see myself as a “victim” but instead a “Survivor” and I am proud of all that I’ve accomplished and work each day to continue that progress.
It seems at times however I tend to let the negativity of others effect me. I wish nothing more then to be able to completely tune these people out but at times it feels impossible.

I’m beginning to have trust issues again, and if I don’t trust you then we have issues!
If I can’t trust someone I don’t want to know them. Trust to me is probably the most important thing people can share and if you abuse someones trust you can not just think they can “forgive and forget”.
I’ve been burned one to many times and I have no intends of being burned like that ever again.
I am a softy and may not come out and say it right away but when I am fed up and have had enough of your bullshit you’ll know in one way or another and I will cut you off completely. If I do then maybe just maybe you should not blame anyone else and take a long ass look at yourself in the mirror.
Many many times I myself was quick to blame others for my own flaws and it was not until I took a long hard look at myself that I realized I was the cause of almost all my own issues.
I try not to tell people how to live their own lives, but if I cut you off there is almost always a reason. do the math!

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
I have so many amazing people around me and I’m rarely actually alone but I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.
I like many many girls before me wanted to have that “dream” life, Be a wife, have some children, own a house etc.
But my life went into a totally different direction.
I found myself watching this stupid movie the other day, One where the couple of the story show their undying love for one another right til the bitter end and I cried like a baby.
I found myself thinking “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, was someone to love me like that”.
I’ve never been “loved” the apple of someone’s eye, the total package “Your my one and only” girl.
I’ve never had someone think their heart beats only for me, or that I am the first thing they think of when they wake and the last thing they think of before they sleep.
Maybe I ask to much…lol
But like I said, I like almost every other girl in this world just wants to be the center of someones universe.
To be loved and appreciated unconditionally.

My friends say “But Tami in mere weeks you will have that man in your life”.
A child’s love to me is different then the love of a special someone, Much more profound in my opinion but completely different.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never had it and that’s why I crave it so much.
Maybe once my son is here I won’t crave it as much….here’s to hoping

See I do a lot of thinking these days and I like to write it out, so to those who read thanks
I hope your not having the same type of fears and woes as me and if you are I hope you have the strength within yourself to find your own peace, I know I am trying

A lot of people know I had to go cold turkey off my medication, Not sure how many know that 3 of those medication were to help me emotionally.
With out the use of my medication I have struggled to stay happy and sadly have sunk into a depression.

I decided to write a blog post instead of having to respond to the many email/texts/calls I might have gotten.
So know this, as of now I will not be responding to any emails, texts or phone calls.
For how long I am not sure, I just want to really focus on me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else.

It’s nothing that any one person did or said, so please do not think you have anything to do with this.
This is a demon I have struggled with for over 2 decades.

I am tired of having to pretend I am ok, pretending that I am “happy”.
I know right now people are thinking I should be the happiest I’ve been in a long time and my pregnancy is something completely different and yes I am over the moon, But that does not change the fact that for years I have suffered from “Post Tramatic Stress Disorder” and “Severe Depression”
For the last 2 months I have been trying to fool everyone into thinking I am OK and that nothing is wrong.
I pretend to smile and at times pretend to be having fun when on the inside I am breaking like a glass house.

So for now I say good bye and I hope each of you respect my decision to be left alone while I try and work with my doctor and counselor to get back on track.
Living a life in sadness and pretend is extremely destructive. And it’s a road I wish to not travel again.
This is something I need to do for me, not for you or you or you….Just ME….and of course my baby.

Again please do not feel this is directed at any of you, this is just something I need to do.
Luv n Hugs,

When I am with you I feel on top of the world.
When your gone, I long to be next to you.
I don’t know quite how to deal with these feelings.
They are powerful, strong and scary.

I need you to share your feelings.
So I know what’s going on.
And don’t be afraid to ask me mine.
I’ll always try to be honest.

I need you to be there for me.
And to grow along with me.
I need you to be understanding.
As we experience this together.

I need you to know I care for you.
And love all the things you do.
I need you to know I want to be with you.
To always know my heart is true.

I need you….

(c) T.Frederick  Aug.4th 2010

https://amnesty.akaraisin.com/pledge/Participant/Home.aspx?seid=2947&mid=1&pid=327023

The dinner will not be until late August, I will post the date on a later date.

This year the fee will be $15 to join in the celebration.

This is a non alcohol party and if you want something specific to drink you must provide it yourself

There will be gifts and prizes to be won, along with great conversation and a bucket full of fun and laughter.

Thanks to my mother and father who allow me to host this dinner in their home each time.

Also you will be invited to check out our newly renovated home

If you are unable to attend you can click the link above and donate to my personal page.
Any amount is cool, $1 or $10 every penny counts and helps.

NO donation is too small .. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

The surgery was a success, but my post up recovery was a little more challenging as my breathing and heart rate went right through the roof, so they had to keep a close watch on me for a little longer then they had thought.

I have to say the women who worked with me while I was there were some of the kindest women I have ever met.
Almost all of them anyway..lol

The 2nd lady I encountered in pre-op was a snot, the 1st who was the lady to give my IV was quite nice and let my mom be with me while she jabbed me with that hideous thing..lol

I went into the O.R. with a smile on my face cracking joke after joke, guess I was trying to lighten the mood more for myself but they all laughed too so it put me at ease.
Didn’t get to see my surgeon as I was out half way through one of my wild jokes.

Woke up in the most horrible pain I ever imagined, wailing for my mommy. oh yes you too will cry out for mommy if you ever get to feel this type of pain.
My 1st nurse in post op was awesome she gave me more needles that I did not even know I was getting…goooo morphine!
I felt the effects of those 2 needles today though as my butt began to hurt..LOL
She called me a delight and wished all her patients were more like me, I am not sure why as again remember I wailed loudly for my mommy.

My 2nd post op nurse was also just as awesome and they each took very good care of me.

So now I sit and wait to heal, I can’t sit for to long or the pain becomes to much, But I thought I would come in and jot this down while it was still fresh in my brain. Hey you never know pain meds could start making everything look blurry..lol

I am off now, I need some more sleep, sleep is the only time I don’t feel this and it’s time for me to forget…for a few hours anyway.

Thanks to all those who sent me kind words while I was in there your all making my recovery that much easier.

Filling the time with games on pogo and cafe world on facebook…lol

Tomorrow I head for my EKG a lovely series of tests to make sure my ticker is ticking properly before they cut me open.

6 days to go til I head in for the surgery and I don’t feel any less fear then I did when they first told me I was going to need it done.
I can’t seem to get past the whole IV thing, I am deathly afraid of needles and have heard nothing but horror stories about veins collapsing, needles breaking in the hand and burning pain that makes you feel like your dying.
Bugger bugger bugger I wish I didn’t have to go through this.

Laugh all you want, I know I am not going to die or anything but I still have these mini panic attacks when thinking of them jabbing me with that thing.

Anyway… here’s to hoping my ticker ticks just fine