For many people living with this chronic pain disorder it is frustrating because we live in silence.

I live in silence because I don’t want your pity.
I live in silence because I don’t want you to look down at me.
I live in silence because I know you can’t fully understand.
I live in silence because people make me think that they really could care less.
I live in silence because I don’t like admitting I am disabled.
I live in silence because you once referred to me as lazy.
I live in silence because you once told someone it was all in my head.
I live in silence because you tell people I’m not really disabled.
I live in silence because people look at me like I am ok when I am not.
I live in silence because you don’t take the time to get to know more about me.
I live in silence because I’m afraid to let people know the truth.
I live in silence because I am no longer the person I once was.
I live in silence because I’m afraid to be sad, you make think I am weak.

These are just some of many reason’s more people do not share what it’s like living with Fibromyalgia.
Just because I “LOOK” ok does not mean that I am.
I am in pain everyday, some days so severe I can not even be touched.
People’s voices, sounds and one of my favorite things MUSIC now hurt my ears.
If you could “SEE” my pain I would look bruised all over my body.
Along with Fibro come Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I have troubles sleeping, staying asleep and just getting to sleep.
I am on a drug regimen of over 7 different pills a day, and the one drug that does help my pain to a larger extent in NOT covered by the Ontario Disability Program so I must take a drug that barely works instead.
I cry myself to sleep on a regular basis because some people just don’t get it.
They don’t understand just how much pain this disease causes me and have no trouble referring to me as lazy or a bum who just does not want to work.
BUT what you do not see is me actually WORKING MY ASS OFF to raise a child…with that comes many responsibilities.
I cook, I clean, I bath cloth and change him. I take care of myself and my home.
I pick up after more then one person and YOU may not see that as work but to me it’s excruciatingly painful just to do those things.

So next time you want to pass judgement on me, look down on me, talk about me behind my back GET THE FACTS!
If you have no clue what your talking about shut your face because your not doing anyone any favors.
It’s people like you who make people like me SUFFER IN SILENCE!

Moaning and groaning about it each and every day only takes you back.
Life should be about moving forward not backwards, and until you accept the fact that there are just some things in life that can and will NOT change you will be stuck in a horrible cycle of self pity.

I’ve heard many stories of people saying “Oh yeah this person all they do is complain about how much pain they are in and how they can’t do this or that because of their illness” THOSE people have not yet accepted that they have that illness and are living in the “PITY ME PARTY HAT“.

YES I have days where I will actually complain about how awful I feel at that moment, But you will not catch me going on and on and on and on and on about it, Not now….before when I was still in denial yep but not now.

I do not seek the attention of others, I do not need you to feel sorry for me I can do that pretty good on my own.

Many people do not even know I live in chronic pain, Why? because I don’t let on.
I’ve accepted the fact that for the rest of my live I will be in pain everyday, I have fibromyalgia among a few other things….I’ve accepted the fact that these things will not just magically go away.
There is at this time NO cure for Fibro and I am ok with that….because I’ve accepted it.

So instead of crying and moaning and groaning, so some soul searching and say to yourself .. “OK this is how my life is now going to be, I accept that and now I will live each day the best I can”.
Once you do that I promise things tend to look a little more brighter at the end of that tunnel!

I am a fat women, this I know.
With that being said I want you to know:
I LOVE MYSELF! Not for what I look like but for who I am as a women!
Yes I may have issues, but none are related to my weight.
Am I comfortable in my skin, No…But does it mean I hate myself…NO!
I am a STRONG women, with a creative soul.
I have ideas and goals that I put into action.
I do NOT settle and if you can’t do for me what I need I can move on at anytime, Because I am INDEPENDENT!
I don’t NEED a man to make me feel beautiful, I can do that all on my own.
I do NOT need to put trashy photos of myself anywhere to gain attention, My beautiful face can do that all on it’s own.
I do not NEED the praise of others, the only praise I need is from myself.
I can take care of myself with out needing to rely on someone else to do it for me.
I am fearless, loud, opinionated and mouthy….call me a bitch I don’t care because I am women hear me roar!
I do not seek out attention from others because I need to feel worthy.
My life is NOT about my weight, It’s about growing as a human and becoming the best person I can be.

If people continue to make these assumptions about me I just may have to remove you, because people like you bring me down and I don’t need to be heading down…been there, done that, bought that t-shirt and threw it in the trash with the rest of the garbage!
Remember this the next time you approach me or say something to me, because if you don’t it may be your last time in my presence.

I’ve had a slight hiccup on my road to weight lost surgery, Many know I was being seen to have it done before finding out I was pregnant….My son Nicholas was well worth the wait!
So now I am re doing the whole process again an have hit a minor snag recently.

Last year before I became pregnant I noticed I was having jumbled speech or sometimes slurring words and even forgetting all together what I was saying and pausing in mid sentence to try and re think what the hell I was talking about.
I thought nothing of this as I know with Fibromyalgia comes what is called “Fibro Fog” it can cause memory loss, confusion, disorientation and what I thought speech problems.

While I was pregnant it began to get worse … but of course I chocked it up to not being on my medication and my fibro fog getting the better of me.
I never told the doctor because I myself never thought it was anything serious, I would even poke fun of myself saying stuff like “I don’t talk much I just read about it”.

A couple months ago I asked my in home care nurse what she thought of it and she said I should tell my doctor right away…..I didn’t.
Not until last week, right away she ordered blood tests and a few exams to test my heart. She also asked to see me again this week.

I’ve just seen the doctor a couple hours ago and what she had to tell me was un settling to say the least.
My blood work came back and it showed I still had high cholesterol which really was not news to me because it was like that before I had Nicholas.
She believes that my cholesterol is breaking off and clogging those arteries causing the speech problem.
Her exact words were “It’s very possible your having mini strokes during these episodes of speech impairment”
My mouth hit the bleepin floor, I held back the tears…..could she really be saying that me at 34 years old is having tiny little strokes? NO FRIGGIN WAY! … sadly yes this is the case.
She then tested my blood pressure and sure enough it was spiked too….she asked me to wait a couple minutes and tested again, it finally came down.
More and more tests are needed to find out just what is triggering these speech problems.

I won’t lie, I’ve cried from the time I got back into the car til the moment I got home and told my mother.
I am scared out of my mind and trying with everything in me to stay calm so I don’t drive myself insane.

I’ll now have a daily dose of baby aspirin to help prevent any mini strokes while they try and sort all this good stuff out.

So yep my surgery may again be delayed as I figure all this stuff out.

I will tell you this one thing, If I ever have something funky going on with me again I won’t wait over a year to talk to her about it!
I guess I now have so much to live for that I won’t risk my health any longer.

On a positive note, if it is simply a case of blood pressure or cholesterol surgery will actually HELP it!
So a few more reasons why this surgery is going to be a benefit to me and my health.

So there ya have it, I’ll keep anyone who wants to know updated

Take Care

I’ve been somewhat sad the past few days and I am not really sure why.
My poor son has not been feeling well either which makes me even more sad to know I can’t help him.

I have so much going on in my life at the moment lots of it being very exciting but it still seems at times I feel empty.

I am being paged lol so I guess I will say bye from the phone for now.

Sometimes I just feel like I am the only one listening.
And it’s not fun talking to myself.

Don’t get me wrong, my opinion is the only one that really matters it’s just not all about opinions.
I share so much of myself with people and sometimes I wonder why I bother, Do I even really make a difference? Does what I say even matter? Does anyone even care?

It’s lonely sometimes, Sometimes when I feel that loneliness I come and I write or I vlog or I make something for someone and maybe I expect too much?

I think a whole 5 of my friends have ever been to my blog.
I keep it because sometimes (like now) I need to let my hurt out because when I bottle it up it just makes it all worse.

I’d really be interested in seeing just how many people even bother to read this……